Kindness & Hope

It is easy to assume that kindness is a simple activity. After all, it costs nothing and has psychological health benefits for all parties. Yet, the lack of kindness can be observed wherever we choose to look. Why is such a simple activity so absent from the world in which we live? Can a psychological and spiritual observation of human behaviour give us some clues?

One of the first issues to note is that we are creatures of our environment. While developmental research indicates that our personality is somewhat fixed at birth it is shaped by the environment in which we develop. It is hardly surprising, that children growing up in families of violence have a strong tendency towards depression, anxiety and poor identity formation. The relationships are more at risk, drugtaking is more likely and a variety of mental health issues are possible. On the other hand, children born into loving caring families are much more likely to take a more positive path in life. That does not mean that all children born into difficult situations do poorly or those from positive situations do well. Individual differences can lead to quite amazing differences in outcomes; however, you can see the trend.

It stands to reason, therefore, that a significant number of unkind people come from difficult family backgrounds. Either that or they have developed personality disorders. But, I hear you say, that cannot possibly explain all examples of unkindness because there are plenty of people who have had reasonable family upbringings who are terribly unkind; the language used in political debate is just one example. So we need to look for more complex social and personal interactions to develop some answers. If we take a multilayered view then as well as family development there are a wide range of social factors that lead to kindness and unkindness.

In a Biblical-Narrative Psychology (c) approach, we allow the story to teach us awareness. Why would a politician insult a member of the opposing party rather than address the issue about which they disagree? The story teaches us that people using insulting language believe that they can gain an advantage over the other by such a method. Despite the constant feedback from voters that it irritates them in terms of politics, they continue. The next question becomes why would people who have been told on more than one occasion the methodology does not work continue to do the same. Herein lies the nuance of human behaviour. While the people who become irritated by such negativity may communicate a protest, the vast majority of people do not do so. In addition, a large percentage of populations in Western democracies are vulnerable to populist messages, such as in the USA and becoming common in Australia. The populist message goes to the heart of basic human anxiety and the need for security. This is the first trauma for the child growing up. Is the world in which I am born a safe place? Can I develop a sense of identity within this family system? The average voter is no different. Human beings are much more fragile than we would like to think. Along comes a politician who seems able to put the complex issues of life into simplistic terms which are understandable. That is very appealing to some. Such leaders have always existed and always will. All the way to their goals they inevitably incorporate a high level of under unkindness.

The first book of the Bible tells the story of humans being granted a good and prosperous life on the condition they live by faith and not certainty; however, the story also teaches us that humans cannot tolerate that freedom. Humans eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge and good and evil in order to be certain and thus the fragility of life begins. That constant need for certainty leads fragile humans to eat the fruit of any tree that can offer them ‘security’ even when that so-called security results in poor outcomes for the wider community. Because humans desire Hope to survive, people will grasp this false hope in order to reduce their anxiety; however, it is an illusion doomed to failure. Caught up in this doomed illusion is a loss of kindness, which comes from confidence emerging from a strong personal and social identity.

The stories of life then tell us those unkind people either have a variety of personality disorders (or part thereof) or poor attachment. If our politicians who are unkind to each other do not have poor attachment and identity struggles, then personality disorder with a desire for power over others is the only conclusion. That is very scary!